By Dee Lumpkin
I joined JCI Petal Jaycees in March 2018 because part of my yearly evaluation at work includes service to my community. That’s it. That’s the reason. I read an article in the local newspaper about a new Jaycees chapter starting up in the area, and it sounded like an easy way to check a box. Afterall, service to humanity is the best work of life! Little did I know, community service is just a small part of what it means to be a Jaycee.
At this point in my life, I was a brand-new mom to a sweet baby girl who never slept and cried a lot. Like, a lot. Learning to function with little to no sleep was hard for me, and here’s the real kicker: my dad was dying from an aggressive cancer. There was no denying it. We knew the eventual outcome and the grieving process had already begun. Anticipatory grief is real and valid. If you know, you know.
So here I am in April of that same year with my relentlessly crying newborn, undiagnosed postpartum depression, and a dead dad. Nobody knows what to say to people when death occurs. We all turn into incoherent babblers and say empty and unemotional things like, “I’m so sorry for your loss” and “he’s in a better place.” There’s the ever present, “At least they’re not suffering anymore.” Nobody intends to be hurtful when they say something like this, but to the person on the receiving end of these comments, it can feel like they’re trying to erase your feelings. Your grief makes other people uncomfortable, so the first response is to try to mitigate it. You can’t make me feel better! My dad’s dead, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.
Back to the Jaycees. I was barely holding it together. I’m tired, I’m numb, I’m back at work days after death, anticipating a funeral – a zombie just going through the motions. And my phone dings. It’s a Jaycee that I’ve never even talked to checking on me and offering condolences and company if that’s what I needed.
Here’s the thing, sometimes people are so afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing, that they don’t do anything at all. If you know me, I’ve probably recommended Nora McInerny’s work to you at some point. How do you respond to the grief of others? She writes, “If you do what you *can* do (competently and consistently) and what you *will* do (humbly, by which I mean without the need for recognition) this question is easy to answer” (Facebook post, March 19, 2021). Do what you can do IF you are willing to do it. You don’t have to be good at this. There’s no contest with a trophy at the end for who responds best in the situations. You just have to be sincere.
This Jaycee that I didn’t know, had never even had a conversation with, offered time and company because that’s what they could do and were willing to do. A short, yet sincere text message from a *stranger* was one of the most comforting things anyone said to me.
I said all that to say this – sometimes life sucks, and it’s okay to acknowledge that. In fact, you should acknowledge it. It’s okay to be sad, angry, disappointed, lonely, and to just feel negative emotions in general. It’s not okay to make people feel worse for having real, human emotion. It’s not okay to put your own comfort above the emotional distress of your fellow humans.
Here is a list of phrases I’d like to challenge you to remove from your vocabulary:
- It could be worse.
- What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
- Everything happens for a reason.
- Just be positive.
- Good vibes only.
- You’ll get through it.
- Other people have it a lot worse.
- Look on the bright side.
And for Pete’s sake, stop telling people you’re okay if you’re not! Sure, don’t dump your emotional baggage on a gas station clerk, but when your friends and family check on you it’s because they care. Practice emotional honesty.
One of the things I think makes Jaycees stand out from other leadership and community organizations is that we don’t just acknowledge challenges, failures, and disappointment. We talk about it. We mull it over. We make it weird. We challenge ourselves to do better next time. We pull each other up by the bootstraps, and we make things happen. Jaycees is a safe place to fail. Heck, we’ll even give you an award for it if you learned something!
On the flipside, Jaycees is the best place to succeed. You have a built in, ready to serve, support system of people who acknowledge the good, the bad, and yes – the ugly. So, the next time you find yourself awkwardly comforting your fellow Jaycee who is experiencing something sad or bad or scary or just straight up not having a good time, offer only what you can and are willing to do. Sometimes, all you can manage is a text message. That’s okay.
Now here’s my second challenge. Instead of using the toxic positivity phrases listed above, offer acceptance and validation:
- I noticed you’re really stressed. Can I take [this specific thing] off your plate?
- That’s a really tough situation. Do you want to talk, or would you like to be left alone?
- It’s okay to take a break.
- Your feelings are valid.
- How can I support you?
- This really stinks, and I’m sorry it’s happening to you.
- It’s okay to have an off day.
- I’m sorry you’re experiencing this pain.
Also, you can just do something nice. Don’t ask what you can do. Just do it. Porch drop grief groceries. Take their kids to the park. Shovel snow. Door dash a meal. Do what you can do and are willing to do, and that will be perfect.
I’ve met some of my closest friends through the Jaycees. Often because we tackle hard issues together, we experience real (sometimes happy, sometimes sad) emotions together. Instead of trying to tell our fellow Jaycees to move on from their negative emotions, let’s help them move forward. Let’s make a stand against toxic positivity and embrace emotional honesty.
This blog post was inspired by the work of Nora McInerny. If you’re interested in learning more about the negative effects of toxic positivity, experiencing grief, and embracing emotional honesty visit https://noraborealis.com/.